today

i want to move to Singapore.
i don't know why, but i do.
i used to want to go to high school again, then college, then live and work in Germany.
but somehow, the idea of moving to Singapore has popped up in my head. Something about it is undeniably attractive.
Germany is too chill. It needs to be tougher. For me.

you know what?

I should go to a karaoke bar in Frankfurt
That is to say, i want my voice to be discovered
i want to be heard
it can be a karaoke event, it can be open mic, it can be anything
anything, really
everything is, romantic
i will sing my heart out,
and people will see how much of a rockstar i am
it will be my first success in life
make money from music
people can't stop listening to me

do people need me?

if i volunteer, will they take me?
am i even good enough?
i want to do something
be someone
because i feel so much like noone
and nothing
how much depth could there be to a person who only thinks about themselves?
i want to help others so bad
not because i particularly care about others, or making the world a better place
i just need something to help me take my mind off of myself
i just need to do something else
for someone else
i don't want to think about me anymore
that and the chance to give back to society
but that's almost an afterthought to me
someone who's been a parasite for so many years

i am now remembering

who i was before the crash
thousands of minutes doing the back-breaking work
of motivating myself
and enforcing rules
to conform
to live up
to make myself in the image of the mould
and what was it all for?
if i am still myself
in the end
i was my own person, before the crash
i was unbound by mortality, fear or expectations
would you like to know, how it is like to fear yourself?
stuck with yourself, forever
what remains after the crash
must be the truth, right?
i tried to wipe myself from the system
blank slate
it still pops back up anyways
is it so hard to erase a person?
is there really more to me than just a damned animal?